Foster Care Update

We have had our foster son for almost four weeks now. (I'll call him R as I'm not sure I should publish his name.) He has really made a home in our hearts. His speech development is about 12 months behind, but he is rapidly adding vocabulary. When he first came to us, he could care less about books, and we were very surprised at how much he played by himself. Now he brings us books constantly, and he has learned that he really likes attention and demands a lot of it.

Our dogs have taken to him like a duck to water. He loves to throw the ball for them, and they get to clean up the snacks he drops. Murphy, our littlest dog, absolutely dotes on him. He will come and poke us to let us know R is awake from his nap. Murphy is eating better, too. R makes sure the other dogs give him his share.


Last weekend we thought we were going to have to take R back to his mother because of some holdups in the paperwork for his adoption. We weren't happy about that, as the situation described to us was not really the best. I can't in good conscience get into the problems, but there were problems. However, by Sunday things had been straightened out and the paperwork is starting to get done. In a week or two the agency will be able to try to match him up with a family, and he can begin his new life.

That will of course leave a hole in our hearts. We love this little guy immensely. When we thought he was going back into a difficult situation, we grieved. But it will make a lot of difference to know he's going to a good home with people who want him very much. Some family is going to get a great kid.

Since we started this we've had a lot of people tell us how wonderful we are for fostering him and helping him to get a new start on life. That is very nice to hear, but to be truthful we don't feel like we're making any great sacrifice. I certainly don't. My wife is bearing the lion's share of the workload. What I do know is that we are getting a lot of love and satisfaction in return. His smile is worth everything.

And I have memorized Go Dogs Go!

Forgiving

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matt. 6:14-15

Just a few simple words. Part of what we usually call The Lord's Prayer, but which probably should be called The Disciples' Prayer. After all, it's how Jesus told us to pray.

Nonetheless, those simple words are perhaps the hardest teaching of the whole Bible. Because if we don't forgive, the Father will not forgive us. Jesus basically told us it is our jobs to forgive. Just go around forgiving 24/7. Because there will never be any shortage of offenses to forgive. Oh, no! We're stuck! We have to forgive. So, let's just do it, right?

Would that it were so easy. Forgiving is hard to do. God has the ability to remember our sins no more, but we're somewhat limited in that capacity. We remember, and the memory rankles, and it builds up into resentment, and before you know it we're harboring un-forgiveness in our hearts . . . even after we've said, "I forgive."

I have some experience with this (he said in an amazing display of understatement). A few years back I went through a process that revealed to me that I had not forgiven something that happened to me a long, long time ago. As in 35 years ago. I'll write here about that sometime. It is a story that still astounds me. I don't want to dwell on those specifics at the moment. I'll just say that the result of my lack of forgiveness was buried anger that bubbled up to the surface in specific situations. And I didn't even know I was harboring those feelings. When they came to light, I was intensely surprised.

Recently, the need for forgiveness has come home to me again. I was hurt by someone's actions, someone I would never have thought would hurt me in that way. Immediately, when I learned what had happened, I knew I needed to forgive. And I told God, "I forgive." But it has still bothered me. Satan keeps bringing it up, and I have to fight my own human tendency to dwell on it and get angry all over again. And frankly this was a minor thing as offenses go. Millions of people go through worse every day. That just goes to prove how difficult forgiveness is.

So, how do we forgive? What is the process?

I'm not sure I know all about this, but I can tell you what isn't part of the process. It doesn't require the other party to ask for our forgiveness. The other party may not even know of the offense. Or if they do, may not consider it an offense, or just don't want to talk about it. Those crucifying Jesus did not ask for forgiveness. He asked the Father to forgive them anyway. If I remember correctly, Jesus is supposed to be our guide in such things.

Neither does forgiveness depend on a feeling of forgiveness. If we wait for that, we may be waiting a long, long time. Meanwhile, the acid of un-forgiveness will be eating away at us, tearing up our lives. I guarantee the resentment and un-forgiveness I held for all those years didn't hurt the other person. That person never even knew what was going on. For that matter, I didn't consciously know what was going on.

No, forgiveness, like love, is a choice. It's a decision to never hold that offense against the other person no matter what. Most times it must include a decision never to speak of the offense. There are exceptions to that. A parent who is hurt by a child may forgive the child, yet still correct the child. Forgiveness is truly offered, but correction must come for the child's own good. We see that also in how God deals with us. He forgives sin, but consequences still come.

In addition, forgiveness must include a decision to continue to forgive. The feeling of forgiveness will eventually come, but only if we continue to make that choice. This, too, is much like love. We love each other even when things go wrong, even on days when we don't feel very loving. It's a conscious choice, and from that conscious choice, the feeling of love grows and increases.

I will recommend a few other things, too. First, pray about it. Ask God to help you forgive. He is eager to do so, and he wants you to ask him for your every need. This is a big one. Second, speak your forgiveness out loud. There is something powerful in speaking the words. I can't explain this, but I've felt it and seen it in others. Third, if at all possible, tell someone you trust of your decision to forgive. Sometimes you can't do this because to do so would betray the confidence of the person you are forgiving. But it helps to have someone else hold you accountable. And this can be a sounding board for you. If in telling your story you find you're still holding resentment, that should be a clue that you have more work to do.

So I'll continue to forgive the one who hurt me. It gets easier every time I do it. And I'll continue to tell Satan to drop it. The feeling of forgiveness will ebb and flow until one day it will just be the way things are. On that day, I will thank God again for what he has forgiven me.

Oh, and if you think this is about you . . . please forgive me.

Our First Foster Child

My wife and I have been certified for foster care for over a year, and now we have our first child! We wanted (and still want) to do short-term newborn care, taking care of newborns and helping them get their start for a couple of weeks while the new adoptive parents are doing final paperwork and getting ready for them. But we work with a small agency, and we haven't had a baby yet.

Two weeks ago, we picked up this beautiful little two-year-old boy:


Actually, he's not so little. He's very tall for his age. He's also a happy child who has shown absolutely no fear of anything. We have three dogs, ranging in size from about 15 pounds to 95 pounds, and he thinks they're the greatest thing ever. They think the same about him as he loves to throw the ball for them and he's the Keeper of the Cheerios.

We will have this young lad a minimum of two more weeks, and perhaps longer, as they don't have an adoptive family for him yet. Please join me in praying for him, for the parents who have surrendered him for adoption (a VERY hard choice), and for his adoptive family.

And it is very interesting having a two-year-old in the house for the first time in about 14 years . . .

Ouch Moments

Some people have "Aha" moments. You know, when something becomes clear to you in an instant, or when you finally discover something you've been searching for or thinking about for a long time. Rather like Archimedes crying "Eureka!" (I've found it!) when he discovered that he displaced water when he got into his bathtub. Or those folks in the cartoons who get little lightbulbs above their heads. We think, "Aha!" as the idea comes to us.

Well, I have those, too. But I also have what I call "Ouch" moments. Those are the times when you read something or hear something that is obviously pointed directly at you and your own behavior or attitudes. It's typically something that you realize is true about you, but which is rather unflattering. I get Ouch moments sometimes while listening to our preacher. I haven't yet figured out why he's preaching directly at me, but he does it with distressing regularity.

I had an Ouch moment the other day, and it was in concert with a friend's Ouch moment, too. My buddy was telling several of us about some time he'd spent alone with God. He was seeking to hear from God, and he opened his Bible to read this passage in Isaiah:

And now the LORD says—
he who formed me in the womb to be his servant
to bring Jacob back to him
and gather Israel to himself,
for I am honored in the eyes of the LORD
and my God has been my strength-
he says:
"It is too small a thing for you to be my servant
to restore the tribes of Jacob
and bring back those of Israel I have kept.
I will also make you a light for the Gentiles,
that you may bring my salvation to the ends of the earth."
Isaiah 49:5-6

Except for one small glitch. In verse 6, my friend read two words out of order. I was listening rather than reading along, and didn't notice it at the time. He read, "Is it too small a thing . . ." instead of "It is too small a thing . . ." That turned a statement into this question: "Is it too small a thing for you to be my servant to restore the tribes of Jacob and bring back those of Israel I have kept?"

My immediate response was "Ouch!" In fact, I said that out loud. That verse, when put that way, hit me squarely between the eyes. Now there is no disputing that the verse doesn't ask that question. For Isaiah, that wasn't an Ouch moment. (He had plenty of others.) Isaiah heard it correctly. We didn't. But hearing it incorrectly had a big impact on my friend, and on me.

Please, please don't misunderstand me here. I'm not suggesting that we try to misread scripture and draw lessons from it. But the principle expressed by that question is one that is found throughout scripture. God told David he was not to be the one to build the temple. He told Paul that God's grace was sufficient, and he wasn't going to heal him. In addition, this principle is something we all should recognize and feel in our bones. We often want God to do one thing for us, or with us, or through us, and God tells us that he has something else in mind. And he gently tells us that he has blessed us in other ways, given us other talents, performed other deeds through us. "But that's not what I wanted," we whine. So God gives us that Ouch moment.

I've had lots of Ouch moments in my life. Some are painful, such as the time I heard and saw myself scolding my son on videotape. That was me? I really sounded like that? I hate it when people sound like that with their kids. Ouch! That left a mark.

Some Ouch moments are hilarious. One of my favorites is from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. (How's that for a theological movie?)

In the film, the peasants have brought a woman (whom they have dressed like a witch) to Sir Bedivere, crying "A witch! A witch! Burn her!"

Bedivere asks, "How do you know she's a witch?"

One of the peasants (John Cleese) replies, "She turned me into a newt!"

His Ouch moment came when all of them look at him in his obvious non-newtness.
After a moment of embarrassment he mumbles, "I got better." And they went on to more silliness, eventually deciding that if the woman weighed the same as a duck, she was a witch.

Our Ouch moments are teaching moments, if we have the wit and courage to recognize them.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go bandage up this wound . . .

Two by Two

After this the Lord appointed seventy-two[a] others and sent them two by two ahead of him to every town and place where he was about to go.
Luke 10:1

While I was reading this passage the other day (actually listening to it on my iPod), I was struck by the fact that Jesus sent his disciples out in pairs. Two by two. It was a little thing, but it brought home to me how much we need each other in the battle we call the Christian life.

So many times, we try to do everything on our own. Not only do we try to do things without God, but we try to do them without another brother or sister. But Jesus didn't send the seventy-two out separately. He sent them out together. Because they needed each other.

How do we miss this? The scriptures are absolutely full of reminders of this.

As iron sharpens iron,
so one man sharpens another.
Prov. 27:17

Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecc. 4:10-12

Remember the story of David and Jonathan? Could they have done what they did alone? Or even the story of Jonathan and his armor-bearer battling the Philistines in 1 Samuel 14?

Jonathan climbed up, using his hands and feet, with his armor-bearer right behind him. The Philistines fell before Jonathan, and his armor-bearer followed and killed behind him. In that first attack Jonathan and his armor-bearer killed some twenty men in an area of about half an acre.
1 Sam. 14:13-14

Jonathan didn't go it alone. He had his armor-bearer at his back.

The early Celtic Christians had a concept and a practice that we would do well to revive. They called it the Anam Cara. It means "soul friend." It actually stems from pre-Christian Celtic thought. Your soul friend was your teacher, companion, and guide. He (or she) was one to whom you could say anything. You could confess to him, lean on him, ask him advice, for help—anything. Your Anam Cara would hold you accountable, speak truth to you, even tell you the hard things that you really didn't want to hear, but needed to hear. It not an authoritarian relationship, but complementary. Usually one was older, wiser, more practiced in spirituality. But learning flowed both ways, accountability and truth were spoken and heard by both.

We all need an Anam Cara. We all need someone who can say anything to us, and receive anything we can say back. We need someone who knows us as well as we know ourselves, and probably better. We were never intended to go through this life alone. Isn't that just about the first thing God said about Adam? "It is not good for man to be alone." We need each other.

Usually, I suggest that men choose an Anam Cara from among men, and women from among women. That's not to say that our spouses cannot be our soul friends. Quite the contrary. But we need someone else who can see our relationships from the outside. Men need other men to stand with them. Women need other women. One of the problems with out society today is the lack of real friendships outside of romantic involvement. Especially for men.

When Jesus sent them out two by two, he knew exactly what he was doing. (Doesn't he always?)

Who is your Anam Cara?